I hate to admit it, but I find that Jc is right in most cases. He might hate me with an undying passion but I am slowly coming to the conclusion that he's the most intellegant man in the world.
I find out that Justin has been lying to me... I can't take anymore heartbreak from this man. It hurts so much I cant even breath. Again I wear the dunce hat. I'll retreat to my corner and watch my world get taken over. I'll watch my daughter the girl I helped raise from the day she came into Justin's life look at someone else and have a relationship. Call me selfish but I was there on my knee's holding her hand when she had the chicken pox, and I sat in a steamy bathroom helping her get over the croop. It was me that spent days and hours potty training her.
I cant deal with the fear of losing it all. I can't deal with the pain and hurt I'm feeling right now.
*wanders around the bungalow watching the girls sleep peacefully. Makes her way to the bedroom and kneels down next to Justin who's asleep with his hands holding "What to expect while you're expecting" Laughs softly running her fingers down his cheek, kisses his sleepy lips and pushes herself up.*
We had a little scare the other day, Its good a thing that I know how to speak french. I don't recall a time that he's ever been that scared. Justin was practically in tears. Just from a small cramp. He's beyond excited about the whole idea of having a son, I don't know what he'd do if this pregnancy didn't work out to the best of its advantage. So he's taking special care and hovering to make sure that nothing goes wrong.
*sits down beside Justin. Takes his hand putting it on her tummy looks down watching him smile in his sleep when there are 2 thumps* I think we've pretty much got his name agreed upon and when we get back to the states we're going straight to Memphis to fix up the new house. It was his wedding present. Everything is so peaceful there, its sort of like being here where nothing can touch us. I think he'd even like the idea of his son being born where he was. Seeing as he wasnt there for Liv's or Bella's births this is something big for him. He's into reading all the books, feeling every thump, singing to the baby. I am just amazed everyday, I didn't think you could fall this deep in love. It was never what I planned on but I'm sure happy it was in the cards.
*Peeks over at Justin who’s asleep on the white crisp linen sheets, the breeze sweeping through the room* One more day of us alone. Its been incredible. I don’t ever want to leave here. The whole atmosphere is unbelievable. Its as if we’ve been walking around in a dream. *pushes herself up and wanders out to the deck dressed only in a slip gown. Takes in a deep breath closing her eyes inhaling the ocean air* Everything is perfect for once. Things were not a struggle here, its been a stream of loving moments and beautiful surroundings.
He’s turned into a new man and turned a new leaf. Its like I can’t get enough of him, my hands need to caress his skin, my lips need to touch him before I feel like I can function for the day. Call me clingy? Maybe needy? I don’t care. This is something that I’ve always wanted, I will go to go to grave knowing that I have given him and our family all the love that I could. Everything about him seems to amaze me here more so then I think it normally would because I know his mind is focused on us and what is good for us. Many nights he’s fallen asleep listening to the baby kick, or talking to “Mikey” *laughs softly running her fingers through her long blonde locks* He’s involved with everything during this pregnancy nothing gets by him. Its really the cutest thing when he’ll get excited and fall to his knees and start to talk to my tummy or when he’ll rub it then tell me everything that’s on his mind. I could spend hours just listening to him talk and laugh. Justin’s smile and his eyes are so true. I watch him when he thinks I’m not, I study how he gets these wrinkles on his forehead when he’s thinking hard, or his little self victory grin and laugh when achieves something as small as riding a dying wave in the ocean. I don’t ever want this feeling to go away.
*looks back when she hears him rustle in the sheets* Even if we were to start bickering the minute we got off the plane when we got home, I still don’t think this feeling of completely unconditional love could be pushed away. *wanders back in and lays down next to him, kissing his sleeping lips curls up slowly dozing off*
Well, isn't that nice. *grins* I'm glad no one but us got pictures, they turned out beautifully from what Lynn said. So far the honeymoon has been incredible. Justin is just amazing, a lot of time talking and eating and making love. *blushes laughing soft* If I wasn't already pregnant I'm sure I would have been after this.
Everything at the wedding was perfect, well with the exception for Trace's rant and somethings he said but I don't think about that, I just keep thinking about the way Justin's eyes followed me down the aisle, the way his hands were shaking as we exchanged vows. The tears that were in his eyes when he said what was in his heart.
I loved watching the girls run around in their dresses, talking about fairy princesses and getting to spend time with their uncles. OF course they just think that Jon and Steven are friends, they don't get the concept of uncles and stuff just yet.
*looks over seeing Justin stir in bed* Well... I'm going to go back to bed... we'll see what other gossip comes along...
I don't think I've been this relaxed in along time. Things are really good and simple here. I love being in memphis, if Justin didn't want to be around everything entertainment I'd ask him if wanted to buy a house and move here...
The girl love being around their uncles, Concidering they're only a few years older then them. *smiles laughing soft* I think by far the funniest thing that has happened since we've been here was Justin getting almost grounded for not wanting to take out the trash.
*looks at the calander rubbing her lips together* Just a few more days and our wedding here. I'm nervous, its just so weird we're already married, but its a big day, something I've never had. I can't believe we made it this long without sex. Goes to show there is so much more to us then sex.
My cell phone is off, well its missing now. So I can not get bitched at for anything else. Its all smooth sailing from here!
*blinks sitting up and looks around* where...*lays back looking around the cheap motel room. Brings her hands up rubbing her face* Fucking people. I have had it with all of them. So pointless, sorry that I have a good life and the rest of theirs are all fucked up. Shouldn't be bastard low life little fuckers then they might find happiness. *pushes herself up and makes a face* Ugh I need a shower, but not in this rat hole...
*gets up and gathers her purse and coat, looks at her phone and debates calling Justin then just walks out of the motel room* He probably didn't even know I was gone, probably was a good break for him since it seems US Being happy is such poison to everyone else. I turn my back and trashy ass people are all up on him left and right. *looks out at the dirty parking lot that leads to a dirt road* I don't even know where I am or how I got here. Am I even in florida still? *rubs her forehead and gets into the car and turns on the On-star*
I am so tired of people using me as their personal punching bag, my life has had rough patches, I have not had everything easily and people seem to think because I'm happy now that gives them a right to break me or my family. I've had it. I am tired of people and their shit, I'm not taking it anymore... so to all my "friends" past and present... fuck them all.. my life is whats important to me, not making everyone else happy. *takes off to find her way back to Orlando*
The wedding is sneeking up on us, I think it's harder for me to beheave then it is him. *shrugs* who knows. I just know that I have had to get my dress taken out 2 times, I've only gained 5 pounds but its all at my tummy. Oh well my designer has it so you can barely notice.
My vows are written, all the preperations are made. I decided to come out for the last two shows because the movers and builders. .and interior designers are working on the house til Wednesday, the day that we'll heart our sons heartbeat for the 1st time. Justin's so cute, he put his face on my stomach and Mikey kicked *laughs* YES we call him mikey...wow I'm nervous. Very unlike me!
Wow, can you believe it? Justin won 3 Moon men. *smiles nodding* I was very proud of him, the show after the awards. INCREDIBLE!! John Mayer played. I love him maybe even more then justin *snickers* kidding. Its been a long couple of days, I love being on the road with Justin but I think that I'll let him do the last few days of the the tour alone. I am heading back to Orlando to get things settled back in. I can't believe we're ACTUALLY going to be home for more then 2 days. Its going to be so nice to not have to check the menu on the night stand to remember what city we're in.
We have about 3 more weeks or 2? Til the wedding, things are all set and we're all planned out. It was so cute, the couple of days we were home, the dresses came and we were able to try them on the girls. They're more excited about it all then justin and myself *laughs soft* they talk it all the time. Like tonight Lynn let them call and were all giggles and smiles when Justin did his little "I love my family speech* they wanted to know if they fit in there *snickers* its so cute. I miss them. Guess thats what happens when you have them with you for so long then leave them for a few days. The want his awards... He said he'd let them play with the flags.
I kept it on the downlow tonight, I wanted it to be all about him, I am very proud of my husband he's made mistakes, but thats what our wedding it resolving, putting away the bad and moving on with the good. Weather people choose to believe it or not, he has turned into a different man... a better man. *laughs soft* Alright, I'm done gloating and talking up my family... because in a few months I'll have my son to talk about and I don't want to wear anyone out.
SO its back to Florida on Saturday morning for me and off to clean house... literally!
Well here we are... back in NEW YORK. *looks around as people run around getting her ready to start in for the telecast waiting for Justin so they can take their seat in the stands* I'm a little nervous. I'm so happy that he decided to come with me, we had this long talk about him supporting me. Though last night.. I could have killed him, we're doing this "No sex before marriage" thing.. we're trying to refrain from doing well.. you know.. it was pretty heated last night to say the least. *looks at the paper when someone hands it to her, looks at the article* Gotta love the post.. we just got here at 5am and they already have stuff about us....
*sits watching the younger girls take their places, crosses her arms in a pouty manner* I'm not too sure I like this now. I'm jealous. I'll admit it.. I don't care who knows it, I haven't been able to play since I hurt my back. My ranking is the worse its ever been, but why am I still an asset to the game? I wish I could say it's because I'm a good player but its because I have the looks that some girls don't. I'm not being arrogant but there are some butch girls here...oh well. I start working on Wednesday... today we're just watching the matches.
Well I guess I needed something bad to happen to knock me into place. cause I'm seeing the things in my career pick up, my sports clothing line with Adidas is selling great, still unsure but tomorrow we might be heading back up to New York so I can do some reporting in Flushing Meadows for the US Open since I can't play. Justin is really being supportive, he doesn't think that I should play...
We're working on things, I'm having hard time with certain things... at the worse times too...but I don't expect anyone to understand that though. when you're in this situation you can just sit there and wish that it didn't happen or you can accept it did... take your time and forgive but the thought it still in your head. I love him and I want to be married to him. We have a family there is nothing that will ruin that.
We're home for a few days IF we don't go to New York.... I think I'd rather stay home and spend sometime with the girls and our dog. Just have sometime to be a NORMAL family.
*rubs her fingers over the strings on the racket* I came to a few decisions yesterday. I spent $7,000 on a purse...$7,000 of Justin's money on a multi-color print Louis Vuitton. *picks up the racket and walks out to the court looking around at the sun risin. Fixes her skirt and top, rubs her tummy* Hold on Mikey, mommy's taking you for a ride *waves to her new coach to flip the switch, starts to run and chase after smacking the ball*
I bought some stuff for the baby, we're assuming that its going to be a boy. Even after everything we were able to sit and talk for a few minutes before getting into another fit and fuss.
So after he went for sound check, where Lynn and the girls went to make sure he went straight there. I know I sound like a bitch for doing that, but I am scared and really hurt. I made a few phone calls and I'm doing a press conference today and announcing that RICHARD WILLIAMS *nods* yes Venus and Sernia's father, is my new coach. I might be pregnant but I think its time that I get back on top.
I'm staying tour with him, then we're focusing on my career and our family. This is just going to take some time and learning to trust again.
*looks in the mirror brushes her fingers over the stitches sighs and pushes herself up shuffling around a bit aimlessly feeling a little lost*
Chelle is here, she flew in last night. She's just what I need right about now. I feel lost, I don't really know anything right now cept....Jc is a bitter, catty, pansy, evil, skanky piece of trash. He is a seriously fucked up individual he had to go and mess up everything by playing on Justin's weaknesses. He can laugh and offer sex to him again cause he doesn't care. He offered it again, he said he'd do it again.
Justin, God he's so weak and he didn't take much to cave we faught a little I just don't know what to do. We have so much history and I mean Jc is a cheater he cheated on Chris so much I guess it doesn't effect him he just blows in and out but Justin had changed or so I thought, he was so good and he promised me that he would only be with me. It hurts so much reguardless of it all I love him very much and want this to work out. Things are going to change though. I told him I'm not leaving but he is not to go talk to Jc or even be around him I am staying close and keeping an eye on him until I can regain the trust that we've lost..
Joey took me to the hosptial after my little wack out episode. Jc just pissed me off so I kept just ramming his car with hopes that I'd hit him I know.. crazy but my temper was out of control... but yeah Joey helped me and they did an ultra sound to see if the baby was okay and he is.. I got one of those little sonagram pictures. Its with the babystuff that justin and I have. When he got back from his show last night he gave me this little teething ring for the baby... its so hard to not just run to him and want to fix everything but my trust level is so weak right now...
Now everything inside me tells me I should run to you and throw my arms around you Hold your steamin cryin cheek against my own And tell you nothing's wrong But wrong is what you were when you forgot That we were goin' on We were goin' on We were goin' strong
Is just tragic when someone can crumble your world and distroy your fairy tale because they have to hurt someone because they are hurting... its even worse when you have to find out from someone else, that forever was only til a dick came along. How could he do this to me? To us....
Before I'm on my way I have one more thing to ask Was it worth the price you paid for my never coming back...
Justin was really mad at Joey, so before we left Tony's I guess he saw Joey out of the corner of his eye, flip him off so he clocked him. *rubs her head* It was just crazy. I KNOW people are going to think we're like, nympho's or something but justin is just... wow so hot when he is angery. Cept when he's mad at me, but thats rare. We don't have those kind of huge fights.
Dreading sunday. My E! True Hollywood Story is on and I hate to see what kind of junk they have in there. I think I'm just going to avoid it and try not to read into anything.
Tomorrow is Justin's AC club show. I love when he does them, we have so much more time to spend together. Today was great, he took me to this beautiful place there was a water fall and everything. He was so cute too. I wasn't feel good, I had been having cramps and he said he wasn't going to go sit across from me, he would sit back a little but he at least wanted out knees touching when we ate dinner. How perfect is my husband can I ask you? *laughs blushing* Michelle prolly gets annoyed when she has to hear about it, but god I am one lucky girl.. Wedding is a month from yesterday. I can hardly wait.
Well... we're leaving tonight for Philly where Justin is doing a club show. I might try and get some practice. I Played there a few times when I was on the WTT Kanasa city team. It up'd my ranking a bit. *sigh* thats the only thing thats got me down lately. I miss playing and I can't play for serval different reasons. My back my wrist being pregnant. I love being with Justin and our family.
He had a show here in NYC with the Black eye peas. It was good, he's got a mouth and one hell of a thrust let me tell you *cough* ON STAGE People with dirty minds.
MAMA????????????????? Peanuts are outside!!!
What the...? *walks over and see's some boys outside playing volleyball on their patio acros the way* Isabella *Covers her mouth* They are boys not peanuts..
Well the tour was postponed, the shows through Thursday and they hope to be back on Saturday I'm so thankful that Justin wasn't in the building when the whole stage collapsed. I'm really surprised that no one got MAJOR injuries.
I'm not sure if we're going home now or just staying in New York. Justin shot a video yesterday morning, everything is really top secret cept for the fact that there are pictures out, other then that *zips lips*
We had an interesting night last night. The girls picked up a thing or two from Alexis... Boys have "peanuts" so Olivia and Isabella decided to take it upon themselves to ask Justin "If boys have peanuts" I of course choked on my spit and Justin laughed, Liv seemed to be content with just playing in the water splashing around where as Bella wanted to know if DADDY Had peanuts. *laughs soft*
Well after that needless to say "Peanuts" was the topic of converstation before bed. *snickers* Justin has completely changed my life. Being married to him is definately an adventure each day.
Last night was so amazing.. we finished planing most of the wedding. Now it's just waiting for the day to come. I am so excited, we're already married but its like, well.. we had that one on the beach for us. To wash away the memories of a previous life. I am a bit nervous though. I think to myself every morning...
"How is this man your husband? You have children with him... he's so amazing, what did you do to get him"
*laughs soft shrugging* he's just perfect, we've both made mistakes in life but some how he makes everything worth while.
Touring has been wearing him out though, we have to work at getting a lot or some good alone time, with the girls its difficult, though Lynn will take them for a night or two in her room.. *laughs* I dont know... just my ramblings.
Is anyone out there? *snickers* no one calls me anymore... I don't bite... at least not hard.
Justin got trash and water bottles thrown at him yesterday at the SARS Concert. What the hell... they even threw shit at him when he was on stage with the Rolling Stones. *rubs her forehead*
I am sad cause Chelle had her premire for S.W.A.T. and I wanted to go as her date *soft laugh*
I'm just in a really pissy mood. I couldnt sleep last night the girls are coming down with colds. Justin was too tired to get up. Which I mean I understand, I just have had a long day and its only noon.
*slams the phone down* I FUCKING hate my bastard sonovabitch agent! He refuses to tell people that I'm pregnant and continues to blame my inability to play on my back. Yes I have a bad back, but I have played as much as I could. He is telling all the media that I am retiring. I AM NOT!!! *sighs rubbing her head pacing around the room looking down at the papers that she just got faxed* Anna will be featured on E! True Hollywood story to air on 8/17/03 *shakes her head tossing them down*
If that bastard fucking.. *sighs rubbing her side* I just need to fire him. I know when 8am comes around I'll be getting calls from ADIDAS, OMEGA, and SHOCK. *rubs her head* Ugh I hate my agents and managers and I feel really sick right now...